How Do I Get My Spouse to Start Lifting?
/If you’ve been there, you know it’s tougher than it sounds. After all, you love lifting weights and all the awesome things it does for you. You also love your spouse, as you see eye to eye on...most things. But this one thing just won’t click. You lift weights and they don’t, and so far they’ve resisted both your compelling arguments and passive aggressive attempts to convince them to get under a bar. Why is it so hard to convince your spouse to lift weights? It’s a very sensitive issue for a lot of people. It can be hard to get criticism on your body and life choices from the very person who holds the ability to hurt you the most. So if you set out to have the hard conversations and have the patience to take your time, here are a few tips to hopefully push them over the edge.
Share why you love lifting weights
It’s a dirty secret in the fitness world. Our jobs are to guide behavior and ‘get people to do things’. But the secret is you can’t force anyone to do anything. You have to convince them it is important or in their best interest and then allow them to choose that particular path. The easiest way to do this is to stop trying to convince them of anything. Start sharing why you love lifting weights and all the things that it does for you. Set a new PR you’re pumped about? Tell them! Got rid of that knee pain that had been nagging for years? Share all the reasons why you fell in love with lifting and your wins along the way. Passion is contagious, and letting out your own emotions about how lifting makes you feel can be the key to unlocking a chilly exterior. It takes the pressure off of them and allows them to imagine what lifting could look like in their own life. Ever notice that commercials always show other people having fun? Show your spouse why you chose to make lifting weights a part of your life, and then invite them to join the fun.
Be Patient
Humans are not as logical as we think we are. We are driven heavily by emotion and often come to conclusions first and look for the evidence later. Just try to talk someone over to your political view and let me know how far logic and facts get you. Surprisingly, the same is true for lifting for a lot of people. Being a ‘person who lifts’ is an identity characteristic similar to a political affiliation. It literally requires someone to change who they think they are and that is a very big request indeed! The most successful dieters already see themselves as their target weight, they just need to make the scale agree. Their minds are already in the future, the body just has to catch up. It can take years to overcome this sense of identity, but once the switch flips, the magic can happen.
“It can take a lifetime to open your eyes, but seeing takes only a moment.” - Anthony de Mello
So give them some time. Your identity as a lifter might even give them feelings of guilt, shame, or embarrassment. Now if there’s one thing I personally hate to talk about or address, it’s the things that make me embarrassed or shameful. And the LAST person I want to show those things to are my wife. And for some that’s just it. It’s easier to avoid than to dive in, suck at a new thing, and expose yourself to perceived ridicule and failure. Just like with a small child at the pool, don’t throw them in; let them conquer their fears by being patient and supportive until they are ready to take the plunge.
Elephants, Riders and Paths
The book Switch, by Chip and Dan Heath, is fantastic as it really lays out the mechanics of the decision making process. They rely on a metaphor for the human brain involving an Elephant, a Rider, and a Path. I won’t get that deep into it here, but for the sake of argument, the Elephant is your emotion-based lizard brain, the Rider is your logical executive function, and the Path is your environment. The example serves to demonstrate that the emotional side we all have (I’m hungry and tired!) is going to be a larger motivator to our behavior than pure fact based thinking. We’ve all lounged in bed for 5 minutes longer than we should risking being late to a job our lives depend on. The Elephant brain is the first to respond to the alarm clock. You know it well.
To convince a partner to lift weights, I would leave the Rider (pure logic) alone. I wouldn’t rely on fact based arguments like 50% of blah blah, and did you know that 9/10 whatevers. It doesn’t motivate behavior, especially when emotion is an ENORMOUS part of this particular argument. You’ve got the world’s biggest elephant, so I would direct arguments on how lifting makes you feel. No one cares about their actin and myosin muscle filaments. They care very much about not being a burden in old age and seeing grandchildren graduate high school.
You have to be willing to appeal to emotion, and the best way to do that is to listen. That’s it, stop talking and listen. Hear why they don’t want to train, and really hear them. Even repeat back to them what they just said so you can understand better. No response is necessary in this moment, just support and recognition of an emotion that is probably pretty powerful for them.
You can also help shape the Path to create an environment where lifting weights is easier. I ask what stops them from training all the time, and the answers I get are sometimes surprisingly small.
“I don’t have any workout clothes”
“I have an old gym membership I haven’t cancelled”
Try to make training as easy as possible for your partner and clear the path for them. You can’t drag them to the gym and make them do deadlifts, but scheduling time, and eliminating their obstacles for them just might lead them on the way.
Lastly, threaten divorce
Definitely kidding. It’s a harder conversation than it would seem so it’s important to be patient, supportive and non-judgmental. It’s hard to back up, listen and play the long game but it’s the thing you need to do if you’re ever going to get your spouse in the gym. Give them time to create an identity of being the type of person who lifts weights. Seeing your successes and sharing your love of lifting will allow them to see the benefits and select that path for themselves rather than being forced into it. Remember that growing old together can also mean growing stronger together, both your marriage and your biceps.
